Leaving for Puerto Vallarta on Saturday. One full week without work. If course that means that all you faithful readers (all none of you) will have to do without my oh-so-witty-and-fantastic updates. And for that I offer this as a peace offering.

While we're on the subject of getting married...

I'm quite excited about my own foray into married life. Not that it's happened yet or anything, but still. It's going to.

Although, I must admit that I still have my own insecurities and worries that I feel should be addressed before I launch into this enterprise. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling apprehensive about marrying my lovely fiancée. On the contrary. I just sometimes wish I wasn't so me. You know how Paul Giamatti makes you feel in American Splendor or at the end of Sideways? It's kinda like that. I just wish I was better for her.

Now she'd say that I'm wonderful and that she's happier with me than she's ever been with anyone else, but that's not enough. I know I can be better for her. I don't want to be such a head case any more. I'm tired of being crazy.

mmmm...

The weekend just couldn't come fast enough. For some reason, I've thought it was a day past the day it actually was all week. Por ejemplo, on Martes I could have sworn it was Miercoles, on Miercoles I thought it was Jueves, etc. Of course the great irony of all of this is that now I have to work on Sabado. And I wasn't even goofing off!

I keep including links to my sister's blog. This is for a reason. She is crazy and is therefore a source of amusement. Most recent evidence of insanity: a photologue of her recent attempts at tanning-studying in which she includes no less than four pictures of her cats. Those of you who visit her blog after reading this post will realize that my use of the adjective 'crazy' when describing my sister won't cause her any distress because she herself realizes this.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think that I may actually be kicking ass at my work. I recently moved into a new role at my job and I was quite nervous at first. I'm not used to not knowing how to do my job, so when I start doing something I've never done before, I freak out and worry that I'm deficient somehow.

However, I've worked in my new role for two months now and I'm feeling pretty settled. In fact, I feel like I'm performing just as well as anyone else on the team.

Plus I solved a rubik's cube. How fuckin' cool is that? So cool I have to say fuckin' that's how fuckin' cool.

In typical me form, I feel guilty about posting such a measly post and consequently, I'm following it up with a real post.

The funny thing is that no one reads this blog. So who's out there to be upset with me about not posting? No one. Except me. And I don't count. Or I shouldn't count. Or something.

Really though. I'm not a faithful blogger and I don't have an audience, so what compels me to ever add stuff? It's a mystery.

Anyway, as mentioned previously by my sister as well as myself, I'm engaged to my girlfriend of 4+ years.

Now some of you may ask what took so long and I'll tell you. I've had practice answering that. Although I'm still not sure I can explain it properly.

The thing is, I knew that she was the one for me since the beginning. I promise. I never believed in love at first sight until it happened to me. So the four years weren't spent debating on whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. That was a given.

What took so long was having to change myself. You see, I've never been good about planning for the future. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never knew how to answer the 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' question, and when I had to actually think about the idea of living fifty or sixty more years, it really messed me up. My brain just doesn't work that way. I can think a month in the future, a few if I'm feeling particularly capable, but it just doesn't come naturally to me to be able to actually consider the future.

I feel kind of autistic saying it, but there are just far too many variables in this world for me to think about the future.

Interestingly, Jen (fiancée - not sister) has no trouble thinking about the future. What I think allows her to do it is that she just thinks of an idea and it doesn't matter if it's right or not. When I think of the future though, I'm trying to actually discern what it will be. What I will be. And that can't be done.

So, what took so long was actually accepting the fact that I will live a full life filled with decisions that need to be made, mistakes that I'll have to live with, moments of joy and moments of fear and doubt.

And that's a hard thing to accept if you've never had to do it before.

My sister threatened to de-link my blog from hers if I didn't update it more often.

So in order to appease said sibling, I'm updating.

*ahem*

I'm engaged.